San Diego Mayor Bob Filner Vows to "Step-Up" His Game After Resignation

San Diego, CA - 26 Aug 2013:  Embattled San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is expected to resign from office later this week, but not before he has caused yet another controversy. He read from a prepared statement at an unexpected news conference earlier today. His tone was defiant and several of his statements stunned those in attendance. The transcript of his prepared statement is shown in its entirety below:

"First of all, I'd like to say that some of these west coast women need to learn to chill out a little. Secondly, I believe that these ladies came out of the woodwork all at once because they realized I had moved on and they weren't going to get any of this (motioning to his lower torso with both hands). They were envious of my success and clearly jealous when they discovered that they were not the only target of my affections.

It is a relief that I will no longer be mayor. It is a huge weight off my shoulders because I will be 100% free pursue, fondle, kiss women anytime I feel like it without having to answer to anybody. I don't care if they are a college hottie or a fine-looking grandmother because I don't discriminate in that respect as you are well aware by now. Some in the media have called my actions harassment; in reality these women should be flattered that I grabbed their ass or suggested they lose their panties. There are millions of women here in San Diego and only a select few have been the beneficiary of the infamous 'Filner Charm.'

Anthony Weiner has already reached out to me and we will be taking New York City by storm this weekend. We have a lot in common when it comes to the ladies. I will be boarding a flight for JFK Airport immediately after resigning on Friday. Although his flirting techniques are a little more high-tech, I know Anthony and I will get along just fine once we hit the clubs in the Big Apple. To all ladies who like former mayors and mayor wannabes I would like to say 'Leave the panties at home because you're not going need them this weekend!' Thank you for attending. Now I've got some flight and hotel reservations to make."

North Korea Claims Purpose of Missile Test is to Create Artifical Reefs!

April 12, 2013, Pyongyang, North Korea:

North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, released a statement today in advance of anticipated missile launches which countries in the region and the United States on high alert. His statement reads:

"OFFICIAL STATEMENT - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: We believe the areas along the coastlines of Japan, Guam, Hawaii and our dear friends to the south are in desperate need of artificial reefs. It is for this reason that we have decided to commence our 'Reef Building Initiative.' Our medium-range missiles make perfect artificial reefs. We ask ask the leaders of these nations to to remain calm if they happen to notice a large missile racing toward their shores in the coming days. It is nothing to be concerned about. In fact, you should consider yourselves very fortunate that your country has been selected for our special marine beautification project. Several of our 'reef-building' missiles may be contain nuclear warheads, so please don't be concerned if you see a large explosion, hear a deafening boom or experience a huge tidal wave. Sometimes we need to clear an area for a new reef. It may take a few thousand years for marine life to thrive there, but it is almost certain that generations in the future will be amazed by the strange new life forms which will emerge. See, we really are the world's most innovative environmentalists. In advance of the many thanks we will be receiving from nations in the Pacific, we say "You're Welcome.' Also, please stay out of the water for the next few days."