Monday, August 26, 2013

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner Vows to "Step-Up" His Game After Resignation

San Diego, CA - 26 Aug 2013:  Embattled San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is expected to resign from office later this week, but not before he has caused yet another controversy. He read from a prepared statement at an unexpected news conference earlier today. His tone was defiant and several of his statements stunned those in attendance. The transcript of his prepared statement is shown in its entirety below:
"First of all, I'd like to say that some of these west coast women need to learn to chill out a little. Secondly, I believe that these ladies came out of the woodwork all at once because they realized I had moved on and they weren't going to get any of this (motioning to his lower torso with both hands). They were envious of my success and clearly jealous when they discovered that they were not the only target of my affections.

It is a relief that I will no longer be mayor. It is a huge weight off my shoulders because I will be 100% free pursue, fondle, kiss women anytime I feel like it without having to answer to anybody. I don't care if they are a college hottie or a fine-looking grandmother because I don't discriminate in that respect as you are well aware by now. Some in the media have called my actions harassment; in reality these women should be flattered that I grabbed their ass or suggested they lose their panties. There are millions of women here in San Diego and only a select few have been the beneficiary of the infamous 'Filner Charm.'

Anthony Weiner has already reached out to me and we will be taking New York City by storm this weekend. We have a lot in common when it comes to the ladies. I will be boarding a flight for JFK Airport immediately after resigning on Friday. Although his flirting techniques are a little more high-tech, I know Anthony and I will get along just fine once we hit the clubs in the Big Apple. To all ladies who like former mayors and mayor wannabes I would like to say 'Leave the panties at home because you're not going need them this weekend!' Thank you for attending. Now I've got some flight and hotel reservations to make."

Friday, April 12, 2013

North Korea Claims Purpose of Missile Test is to Create Artifical Reefs!

April 12, 2013, Pyongyang, North Korea:

North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, released a statement today in advance of anticipated missile launches which countries in the region and the United States on high alert. His statement reads:

"OFFICIAL STATEMENT - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: We believe the areas along the coastlines of Japan, Guam, Hawaii and our dear friends to the south are in desperate need of artificial reefs. It is for this reason that we have decided to commence our 'Reef Building Initiative.' Our medium-range missiles make perfect artificial reefs. We ask ask the leaders of these nations to to remain calm if they happen to notice a large missile racing toward their shores in the coming days. It is nothing to be concerned about. In fact, you should consider yourselves very fortunate that your country has been selected for our special marine beautification project. Several of our 'reef-building' missiles may be contain nuclear warheads, so please don't be concerned if you see a large explosion, hear a deafening boom or experience a huge tidal wave. Sometimes we need to clear an area for a new reef. It may take a few thousand years for marine life to thrive there, but it is almost certain that generations in the future will be amazed by the strange new life forms which will emerge. See, we really are the world's most innovative environmentalists. In advance of the many thanks we will be receiving from nations in the Pacific, we say "You're Welcome.' Also, please stay out of the water for the next few days."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Romney Cat Placed On Top of Vehicle!

Boston, Massachusetts - May 15, 2012: 
Today there is breaking news and a surprising twist in the story of Mitt Romney's dog. In 1983 Romney infamously placed the family dog, Seamus, on the roof of his car during a 12 hour trip to Canada with the Romney clan in tow. Seamus was inside of a kennel and developed diarrhea during his rooftop adventure. Romney hosed down Seamus after evidence of the dog's intestinal distress became evident. The "dog-on-the-roof" incident has become well-known and has "dogged" the Romney campaign for months.

Now there has been a startling new development related to another Romney pet. Details are leaking out this evening about an incident with the Romney family cat named Reamus. Multiple motorists reported seeing a cat which had "lifted off" the roof of a SUV driven by Romney and was being towed in the air behind the vehicle. In response to the media firestorm created by this most recent incident, the Romney campaign released a statement from the GOP presidential candidate:
"I wanted to make it clear to my supporters that I have nothing against dogs, In fact, I love dogs. I felt the best way to demonstrate that fact was to show that I will put any kind of animal on the roof of a moving vehicle. Cats don't like pet carriers so we just attached a leash to Reamus' collar and placed him on top of our SUV. Ann held onto the leash which extended through the passenger window and onto the roof of our SUV. "
 According to eyewitness reports, the collar eventually slipped off of the cat's head. Reamus went flying like an unguided missile at that point and and flew for a "fairly long" distance before finally dropping out of view when he entered a wooded area. He apparently entered the wooded area traveling at a high rate of speed while only several feet off the ground with all his paws fully extended. Eyewitnesses said that the cat tried valiantly to stay in the air, but eventually lost control and did a couple of "barrel rolls" before disappearing into the woods alongside the Massachusetts interstate. The official Romney statement continued:
 "I didn't realize that the lighter weight of the cat would cause it to go airborne. Reamus was essentially being flown like a kite behind our SUV. I guess Ann should've realized something was amiss when the tension was extremely tight on the leash followed by an immediate lack of tension. I think it is important to remember that cats have 9 lives and cats always land on their feet."
The statement concludes with a message to the American people:
 "Most importantly, I believe there's a valuable lesson to be learned here for all Americans. If the cat had grabbed onto the luggage rack he'd still be with us today. I think that analogy can be applied to Americans who don't do everything it takes to hang on in this tough economy. It's up to each and every one of us to 'stay on the roof of the car.'  Otherwise, you too may end up careening toward toward a pine tree on the side of the road. The government is not always going to be there to bail you out. And finally, there is one last point I would to make. Just as with our dog Seamus, I'm sure Reamus had the time of his life. After all, how many cats have had the opportunity to experience the joy of flight? I hope Reamus turns up and if he does we just might place him atop our campaign plane, but with a tighter collar and a stronger leash of course."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Verizon Spokesperson Fights Back On $2 "Convenience" Fee Controversy

New York - January 1, 2012:  A Verizon Wireless spokesperson clarified their position one day after it was announced that they would scrap the idea of charging a $2 "convenience" fee when customers made a one-time online credit card payment:

"Although we are scrapping the $2 fee we want to clear up several things:

1. We could've slipped the $2 fee into our customers' bills without announcing it. We doubt too many people would've ever noticed it. We believe that we deserve a lot of credit for being up-front about the fee hike.

2. We'd also like a little credit from our customers for the fact that we didn't charge more. Look at Bank of America who tried to charge their customers $5.

3. We didn't get much blowback from the multiple service outages in December so we thought, what the hell? If they don't get that upset about service outages, they won't care about an extra $2 for the privilege of sending us their money. We were wrong, but I don't think anyone can blame us for trying. It is pretty clear that our customers are not the brightest group of people on the planet, but I've got to give them credit for catching us this time around.

4. We are the largest cell phone company in the U.S. and we think it is time our customers realize it. We thought this was a good way to let them know that although we value our customers loyalty, we value our balance sheet even more. And what better way is there for a customer to demonstrate their loyalty to Verizon Wireless than send an extra $2 along with their bill payment?

5. We earned about $11.9 billion in pre-tax profits in 2010 and we believe that was cutting it a little too close for comfort. This $2 fee would've helped our top executives sleep a little better at night and I think that we can all agree that a well-rested management team is a little more important than a few troublemakers who act like $2 is going to ruin their life. Just pay your damn bill and shut up already."

She finished her statement by telling the stunned group of hastily assembled reporters, "Come to think of it, some of our customers are acting pretty damn whiny about the whole thing. I mean don't they understand that a corporation's primary mission is to make as much money as possible? We've got them under contract. Where are they going to go? To the small portion of ungrateful and unappreciative customers I say, Can you hear me now?"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Airlines Prepare To Impose Takeoff and Landing Fees!

Several days ago Delta Airlines offered an upgrade fee of $80-$160 for 4 inches of additional legroom on overseas flights. But in a move that has surprised many airline analysts the major U.S. carriers are instituting two new controversial fees. According to a statement released by the U.S. Air Carriers Alliance the fees will be taking effect June 1, 2011. Excerpts from the official statement:

"USACA Press Release, May 22, 2011. Due to current market conditions we will be offering the following optional upgrades for flights originating within the U.S. beginning June1, 2011:

1. Priority Takeoff Fee ($45) - Flights will be given a "priority number" once they pull away from the gate based on the percentage of passengers who take advantage of the Priority Takeoff Fee (PTR). Air traffic control will be informed of the flight's priority number and will clear flights for takeoff on this basis. Flights with low passenger participation and therefore a low priority number will be held short of the runway as higher priority flights are allowed to takeoff. This may result in significant delays for some flights and this is why we strongly suggest all passengers participate in the new program to insure timely arrivals at their final destinations.

2. Targeted Landing Fee ($60) - Due to changes in passenger load demands we anticipate infrequent instances where it would be in the interest of the carrier to land at an alternate nearby airport rather than than the original ticketed destination. On these flights when the captain is made aware of the situation he will be obligated to land at the alternate airport unless 50% or more of the passengers elect to pay the Targeted Landing Fee (TLF). Flight attendants will make an announcement informing passengers of the new landing location. At that point flight attendants will collect the TLF fee if it appears that a majority of passengers would like to continue on to their original destination. If not, passengers will be responsible for all costs associated with getting to to their original destinations."

Monday, May 16, 2011

Liz Cheney Denounces Obama for Shooting Bin Laden In Left Eye Instead of Right Eye!

Liz Cheney's Keep America Safe Foundation issued a statement immediately after the killing of Osama Bin Laden which essentially credited the torture that occurred during the Bush Administration for the successful mission. That claim has been been largely discredited as more information of how U.S. intelligence got on the trail of Bin Laden's courier comes to light. And more recently Senator John McCain made the definitive statement on the matter in which he unequivocally stated that enhanced interrogation techniques (torture) did NOT provide the critical intelligence in the hunt for Bin Laden.

In an apparent attempt to distract from the mounting evidence that torture did not help locate Bin Laden, Cheney and the Keep America Safe Foundation issued another statement today. It says in part "It is obvious the Navy Seal Team 6 was instructed to shoot Bin Laden in the left eye. Is this just a coincidence? We think not. By shooting him in the left eye instead of the right eye it is clear that President Obama wanted to send a subconscious message that it was the "left" who got Bin Laden. Why not shoot him in the forehead or between his eyes? The symbolism of Bin Laden being shot in the "left" eye might provide President Obama with the slight edge he needs going into the 2012 election. It is a backhanded slap in the face to all those on the right who aided in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden and we think President Obama needs to be called out on it"

And finally there was criticism of Obama's environmental policies in the statement: "The left and President Obama pride themselves in being stewards of the environment yet they see no problem dumping a decomposing corpse into the Indian Ocean. Is it OK because it is not not in U.S. waters? This is the height of hypocrisy and we believe it calls into question President Obama's supposed commitment to protecting the environment. Convenience seemed to trump principles in this case."

Sunday, June 20, 2010

BP CEO Tony Hayward Claims He Was Looking For Oil During Yacht Race!

London, 20 June 2010:  BP CEO Tony Hayward attended the J.P. Morgan Asset Management "Round the Island Yacht Race" off Britain's Isle of Wight on Saturday. This seemingly tone deaf move by the embattled head of BP has set off another round of controversy; just the latest in a growing list of gaffes by Hayward.

Tony Hayward issued a statement today which reads, "I did indeed attend the Round the Island Yacht Race and sailed my yacht named Bob later in the day. I have received extensive criticism for these actions so I'd like to explain the reasons why I attended the event. I was there to survey the area to determine if any oil from the Deepwater Horizon spill had reached the southern tip of England. It is one thing if the Gulf of Mexico is fouled with oil, but would be be a tragedy of epic proportions if even one drop of oil were to reach my beloved England's shores. I am happy to report that I did not see any oil while sailing my yacht on Saturday."

Hayward concluded his statement by justifying the reimbursement of his expenses incurred at the yacht race: "To compensate me for the expenses I incurred for this survey, I have placed my $700,000 yacht into the Vessels of Opportunity program. Those who are not fortunate to own a yacht may not understand that there are crew members who need to be paid, alcohol which needs to be restocked, and catering for the party we held after the race. I don't think it would be fair for these expenses to come directly from my salary considering I sacrificed my weekend to assess the impact of the oil spill on Britain. I hope this clarifies everything and refocuses Gulf Coast residents on getting on with their lives rather than whining about situations where they don't have any of the facts"

Thursday, June 3, 2010

BP CEO Tony Hayward Wants Floridians To Enjoy The Oil

NEW ORLEANS, 3 June 2010:  BP CEO Tony Hayward announced today a proposal he will be pitching to Florida tourism officials this week. As oil is now approaching the pristine beaches of Pensacola concern is mounting about a potential catastrophic effect on tourism this summer.

Hayward said, "Our new campaign for Florida is titled Come Slide Into Paradise. Rather than couples cancelling their romantic vacations to the Florida panhandle, we say come here and come now! The idea is that we will be encouraging men to wade into the Gulf of Mexico waters and get some light oil sheen in their shorts. At that point they should be good to go whether it be right there in the water, on the beach, or back at the hotel room later. No more fumbling for the bottle of KY lubricant in the dark."

Hayward went on to say, "We believe the Deepwater Horizon incident will actually enhance relationships and sexual intimacy along Florida's beaches! I think many will now be backing off some of their criticisms of BP because they had not initially taken into account potential beneficial effects of the blowout. We need to stress that if a tar ball happens to make it into your shorts it should be removed discretely as this could adversely impact the positive effects created by the light sheen on your privates. Although one side benefit is that if you do actually happen to have an accident in your shorts while swimming in the Gulf then you have a ready made excuse and can blame it on one of our tar balls."

Hayward concluded by stating, "We're confident that when your wife or girlfriend speaks with her friends about her trip to Florida's beaches and she refers to the Big Slick or Deepwater Drilling, she'll be speaking about the bedroom and not what's happening in the Gulf. And the riser she speaks of won't be the one on the bottom of the ocean floor, but is likely to be the one in your shorts. We're confident it's a gusher that she won't want to stop anytime soon. At BP we're delighted our products will increase romance among couples who visit Florida's beaches and we should have plenty of oil soon for other beaches further south along the Florida coast.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Tiger Woods Hates Fire Hydrants!

Tiger Woods finally agreed to be interviewed by the Florida Highway Patrol today. The somewhat shocking reason that Woods provided for the late night accident in front of his house is that he "always hated that f@#*ing fire hydrant!"

In news that is just breaking at this moment, details are slowly coming out from the police interview. Woods stated, "I was trying to sleep and I got up and went to the window and that damn hydrant was sitting there looking at me. That was it. I'd had enough and I decided it was time for action!"

During additional questioning it was revealed that the fire hydrant had been an issue for several years: "I would come home after doing poorly in a tournament and that evil, little friggin hydrant would be waiting for me to come home mocking me as I arrived. I'm happy it's gone now and I would do it again tomorrow. I'm sorry I hit the tree and I'm glad it is going to be OK. My only intended target was the hydrant in question." When asked if he is worried about less protection in the event of a fire he said, "No! It is worth it to have that thing out of my life. There are other hydrants nearby which should be accessible."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Welcome To The "Mark Allen Report"

A place to visit every day for some some thought provoking commentary on what is happening in popular culture, news, and politics. Chime in whether you agree or disagree.