Romney Cat Placed On Top of Vehicle!

Boston, Massachusetts - May 15, 2012: 
Today there is breaking news and a surprising twist in the story of Mitt Romney's dog. In 1983 Romney infamously placed the family dog, Seamus, on the roof of his car during a 12 hour trip to Canada with the Romney clan in tow. Seamus was inside of a kennel and developed diarrhea during his rooftop adventure. Romney hosed down Seamus after evidence of the dog's intestinal distress became evident. The "dog-on-the-roof" incident has become well-known and has "dogged" the Romney campaign for months.

Now there has been a startling new development related to another Romney pet. Details are leaking out this evening about an incident with the Romney family cat named Reamus. Multiple motorists reported seeing a cat which had "lifted off" the roof of a SUV driven by Romney and was being towed in the air behind the vehicle. In response to the media firestorm created by this most recent incident, the Romney campaign released a statement from the GOP presidential candidate:

"I wanted to make it clear to my supporters that I have nothing against dogs, In fact, I love dogs. I felt the best way to demonstrate that fact was to show that I will put any kind of animal on the roof of a moving vehicle. Cats don't like pet carriers so we just attached a leash to Reamus' collar and placed him on top of our SUV. Ann held onto the leash which extended through the passenger window and onto the roof of our SUV. "

 According to eyewitness reports, the collar eventually slipped off of the cat's head. Reamus went flying like an unguided missile at that point and and flew for a "fairly long" distance before finally dropping out of view when he entered a wooded area. He apparently entered the wooded area traveling at a high rate of speed while only several feet off the ground with all his paws fully extended. Eyewitnesses said that the cat tried valiantly to stay in the air, but eventually lost control and did a couple of "barrel rolls" before disappearing into the woods alongside the Massachusetts interstate. The official Romney statement continued:

 "I didn't realize that the lighter weight of the cat would cause it to go airborne. Reamus was essentially being flown like a kite behind our SUV. I guess Ann should've realized something was amiss when the tension was extremely tight on the leash followed by an immediate lack of tension. I think it is important to remember that cats have 9 lives and cats always land on their feet."

The statement concludes with a message to the American people:

 "Most importantly, I believe there's a valuable lesson to be learned here for all Americans. If the cat had grabbed onto the luggage rack he'd still be with us today. I think that analogy can be applied to Americans who don't do everything it takes to hang on in this tough economy. It's up to each and every one of us to 'stay on the roof of the car.'  Otherwise, you too may end up careening toward toward a pine tree on the side of the road. The government is not always going to be there to bail you out. And finally, there is one last point I would to make. Just as with our dog Seamus, I'm sure Reamus had the time of his life. After all, how many cats have had the opportunity to experience the joy of flight? I hope Reamus turns up and if he does we just might place him atop our campaign plane, but with a tighter collar and a stronger leash of course."

Verizon Spokesperson Fights Back On $2 "Convenience" Fee Controversy

New York - January 1, 2012:  A Verizon Wireless spokesperson clarified their position one day after it was announced that they would scrap the idea of charging a $2 "convenience" fee when customers made a one-time online credit card payment:

"Although we are scrapping the $2 fee we want to clear up several things:

1. We could've slipped the $2 fee into our customers' bills without announcing it. We doubt too many people would've ever noticed it. We believe that we deserve a lot of credit for being up-front about the fee hike.

2. We'd also like a little credit from our customers for the fact that we didn't charge more. Look at Bank of America who tried to charge their customers $5.

3. We didn't get much blowback from the multiple service outages in December so we thought, what the hell? If they don't get that upset about service outages, they won't care about an extra $2 for the privilege of sending us their money. We were wrong, but I don't think anyone can blame us for trying. It is pretty clear that our customers are not the brightest group of people on the planet, but I've got to give them credit for catching us this time around.

4. We are the largest cell phone company in the U.S. and we think it is time our customers realize it. We thought this was a good way to let them know that although we value our customers loyalty, we value our balance sheet even more. And what better way is there for a customer to demonstrate their loyalty to Verizon Wireless than send an extra $2 along with their bill payment?

5. We earned about $11.9 billion in pre-tax profits in 2010 and we believe that was cutting it a little too close for comfort. This $2 fee would've helped our top executives sleep a little better at night and I think that we can all agree that a well-rested management team is a little more important than a few troublemakers who act like $2 is going to ruin their life. Just pay your damn bill and shut up already."

She finished her statement by telling the stunned group of hastily assembled reporters, "Come to think of it, some of our customers are acting pretty damn whiny about the whole thing. I mean don't they understand that a corporation's primary mission is to make as much money as possible? We've got them under contract. Where are they going to go? To the small portion of ungrateful and unappreciative customers I say, Can you hear me now?"