NEW ORLEANS, 3 June 2010: BP CEO Tony Hayward announced today a proposal he will be pitching to Florida tourism officials this week. As oil is now approaching the pristine beaches of Pensacola concern is mounting about a potential catastrophic effect on tourism this summer.
Hayward said, "Our new campaign for Florida is titled Come Slide Into Paradise. Rather than couples cancelling their romantic vacations to the Florida panhandle, we say come here and come now! The idea is that we will be encouraging men to wade into the Gulf of Mexico waters and get some light oil sheen in their shorts. At that point they should be good to go whether it be right there in the water, on the beach, or back at the hotel room later. No more fumbling for the bottle of KY lubricant in the dark."
Hayward went on to say, "We believe the Deepwater Horizon incident will actually enhance relationships and sexual intimacy along Florida's beaches! I think many will now be backing off some of their criticisms of BP because they had not initially taken into account potential beneficial effects of the blowout. We need to stress that if a tar ball happens to make it into your shorts it should be removed discretely as this could adversely impact the positive effects created by the light sheen on your privates. Although one side benefit is that if you do actually happen to have an accident in your shorts while swimming in the Gulf then you have a ready made excuse and can blame it on one of our tar balls."
Hayward concluded by stating, "We're confident that when your wife or girlfriend speaks with her friends about her trip to Florida's beaches and she refers to the Big Slick or Deepwater Drilling, she'll be speaking about the bedroom and not what's happening in the Gulf. And the riser she speaks of won't be the one on the bottom of the ocean floor, but is likely to be the one in your shorts. We're confident it's a gusher that she won't want to stop anytime soon. At BP we're delighted our products will increase romance among couples who visit Florida's beaches and we should have plenty of oil soon for other beaches further south along the Florida coast.