San Diego Mayor Bob Filner Vows to "Step-Up" His Game After Resignation

San Diego, CA - 26 Aug 2013:  Embattled San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is expected to resign from office later this week, but not before he has caused yet another controversy. He read from a prepared statement at an unexpected news conference earlier today. His tone was defiant and several of his statements stunned those in attendance. The transcript of his prepared statement is shown in its entirety below:

"First of all, I'd like to say that some of these west coast women need to learn to chill out a little. Secondly, I believe that these ladies came out of the woodwork all at once because they realized I had moved on and they weren't going to get any of this (motioning to his lower torso with both hands). They were envious of my success and clearly jealous when they discovered that they were not the only target of my affections.

It is a relief that I will no longer be mayor. It is a huge weight off my shoulders because I will be 100% free pursue, fondle, kiss women anytime I feel like it without having to answer to anybody. I don't care if they are a college hottie or a fine-looking grandmother because I don't discriminate in that respect as you are well aware by now. Some in the media have called my actions harassment; in reality these women should be flattered that I grabbed their ass or suggested they lose their panties. There are millions of women here in San Diego and only a select few have been the beneficiary of the infamous 'Filner Charm.'

Anthony Weiner has already reached out to me and we will be taking New York City by storm this weekend. We have a lot in common when it comes to the ladies. I will be boarding a flight for JFK Airport immediately after resigning on Friday. Although his flirting techniques are a little more high-tech, I know Anthony and I will get along just fine once we hit the clubs in the Big Apple. To all ladies who like former mayors and mayor wannabes I would like to say 'Leave the panties at home because you're not going need them this weekend!' Thank you for attending. Now I've got some flight and hotel reservations to make."

Romney Cat Placed On Top of Vehicle!

Boston, Massachusetts - May 15, 2012: 
Today there is breaking news and a surprising twist in the story of Mitt Romney's dog. In 1983 Romney infamously placed the family dog, Seamus, on the roof of his car during a 12 hour trip to Canada with the Romney clan in tow. Seamus was inside of a kennel and developed diarrhea during his rooftop adventure. Romney hosed down Seamus after evidence of the dog's intestinal distress became evident. The "dog-on-the-roof" incident has become well-known and has "dogged" the Romney campaign for months.

Now there has been a startling new development related to another Romney pet. Details are leaking out this evening about an incident with the Romney family cat named Reamus. Multiple motorists reported seeing a cat which had "lifted off" the roof of a SUV driven by Romney and was being towed in the air behind the vehicle. In response to the media firestorm created by this most recent incident, the Romney campaign released a statement from the GOP presidential candidate:

"I wanted to make it clear to my supporters that I have nothing against dogs, In fact, I love dogs. I felt the best way to demonstrate that fact was to show that I will put any kind of animal on the roof of a moving vehicle. Cats don't like pet carriers so we just attached a leash to Reamus' collar and placed him on top of our SUV. Ann held onto the leash which extended through the passenger window and onto the roof of our SUV. "

 According to eyewitness reports, the collar eventually slipped off of the cat's head. Reamus went flying like an unguided missile at that point and and flew for a "fairly long" distance before finally dropping out of view when he entered a wooded area. He apparently entered the wooded area traveling at a high rate of speed while only several feet off the ground with all his paws fully extended. Eyewitnesses said that the cat tried valiantly to stay in the air, but eventually lost control and did a couple of "barrel rolls" before disappearing into the woods alongside the Massachusetts interstate. The official Romney statement continued:

 "I didn't realize that the lighter weight of the cat would cause it to go airborne. Reamus was essentially being flown like a kite behind our SUV. I guess Ann should've realized something was amiss when the tension was extremely tight on the leash followed by an immediate lack of tension. I think it is important to remember that cats have 9 lives and cats always land on their feet."

The statement concludes with a message to the American people:

 "Most importantly, I believe there's a valuable lesson to be learned here for all Americans. If the cat had grabbed onto the luggage rack he'd still be with us today. I think that analogy can be applied to Americans who don't do everything it takes to hang on in this tough economy. It's up to each and every one of us to 'stay on the roof of the car.'  Otherwise, you too may end up careening toward toward a pine tree on the side of the road. The government is not always going to be there to bail you out. And finally, there is one last point I would to make. Just as with our dog Seamus, I'm sure Reamus had the time of his life. After all, how many cats have had the opportunity to experience the joy of flight? I hope Reamus turns up and if he does we just might place him atop our campaign plane, but with a tighter collar and a stronger leash of course."