BP CEO Tony Hayward Claims He Was Looking For Oil During Yacht Race!

London, 20 June 2010:  BP CEO Tony Hayward attended the J.P. Morgan Asset Management "Round the Island Yacht Race" off Britain's Isle of Wight on Saturday. This seemingly tone deaf move by the embattled head of BP has set off another round of controversy; just the latest in a growing list of gaffes by Hayward.

Tony Hayward issued a statement today which reads, "I did indeed attend the Round the Island Yacht Race and sailed my yacht named Bob later in the day. I have received extensive criticism for these actions so I'd like to explain the reasons why I attended the event. I was there to survey the area to determine if any oil from the Deepwater Horizon spill had reached the southern tip of England. It is one thing if the Gulf of Mexico is fouled with oil, but would be be a tragedy of epic proportions if even one drop of oil were to reach my beloved England's shores. I am happy to report that I did not see any oil while sailing my yacht on Saturday."

Hayward concluded his statement by justifying the reimbursement of his expenses incurred at the yacht race: "To compensate me for the expenses I incurred for this survey, I have placed my $700,000 yacht into the Vessels of Opportunity program. Those who are not fortunate to own a yacht may not understand that there are crew members who need to be paid, alcohol which needs to be restocked, and catering for the party we held after the race. I don't think it would be fair for these expenses to come directly from my salary considering I sacrificed my weekend to assess the impact of the oil spill on Britain. I hope this clarifies everything and refocuses Gulf Coast residents on getting on with their lives rather than whining about situations where they don't have any of the facts"

BP CEO Tony Hayward Wants Floridians To Enjoy The Oil

NEW ORLEANS, 3 June 2010:  BP CEO Tony Hayward announced today a proposal he will be pitching to Florida tourism officials this week. As oil is now approaching the pristine beaches of Pensacola concern is mounting about a potential catastrophic effect on tourism this summer.

Hayward said, "Our new campaign for Florida is titled Come Slide Into Paradise. Rather than couples cancelling their romantic vacations to the Florida panhandle, we say come here and come now! The idea is that we will be encouraging men to wade into the Gulf of Mexico waters and get some light oil sheen in their shorts. At that point they should be good to go whether it be right there in the water, on the beach, or back at the hotel room later. No more fumbling for the bottle of KY lubricant in the dark."

Hayward went on to say, "We believe the Deepwater Horizon incident will actually enhance relationships and sexual intimacy along Florida's beaches! I think many will now be backing off some of their criticisms of BP because they had not initially taken into account potential beneficial effects of the blowout. We need to stress that if a tar ball happens to make it into your shorts it should be removed discretely as this could adversely impact the positive effects created by the light sheen on your privates. Although one side benefit is that if you do actually happen to have an accident in your shorts while swimming in the Gulf then you have a ready made excuse and can blame it on one of our tar balls."

Hayward concluded by stating, "We're confident that when your wife or girlfriend speaks with her friends about her trip to Florida's beaches and she refers to the Big Slick or Deepwater Drilling, she'll be speaking about the bedroom and not what's happening in the Gulf. And the riser she speaks of won't be the one on the bottom of the ocean floor, but is likely to be the one in your shorts. We're confident it's a gusher that she won't want to stop anytime soon. At BP we're delighted our products will increase romance among couples who visit Florida's beaches and we should have plenty of oil soon for other beaches further south along the Florida coast.